Simplifying My Prayer

It is comforting to know that God still answers prayers, even to those who think they least deserve it.

I had a sad Monday. A bad Monday. A burst-into-tears-in-the-middle-of-the-workday Monday. There are a thousand theories and explanations for that, but bottom line, I needed a better Tuesday. So I prayed. And I simplified my prayer. Whenever I recognize my own helplessness, I tend to simplify my prayer, and it works every time.

I said, "Lord, I really cannot handle anymore stress today. Please give me a spectacular day. Not ordinary, because that won't do to make up for the terrible time I had yesterday. I need a spectacular day."

He answered it. He totally gave me a spectacular Tuesday.

I had a great Wednesday.

A smashing Thursday.

A fabulous Friday.

And today, well this was a smokin' Saturday.

I kind of get it that God works better when we let Him do His job without too much whining and nagging. But sometimes I still forget and insist on my own way.

I was asked to be a reader for anticipated mass at the last minute, so I was not really prepared mentally and emotionally for it. (Yes, control freak that I am, I like to prepare for my lector duty). I thought it was just going to be another mass when God would not speak, and I would just serve and then go home.

Lo and behold, the priest whom I did not know used as an example during homily that story about the man who would not let go of the branch he was holding on to in the middle of the night, and stayed there even if he heard the voice of God telling him to let go. The next day, after his ordeal, the man saw that he was only a few inches from the ground. The priest likened this to the widow of Zarephath, from the First Reading, who thought that Elijah was demanding her to bake her last bread for him, when the prophet was giving her a message from God, that oil and flour would not run out in her pantry.

I closed my eyes and felt this message being pressed into my ears, into my head, and into my heart. It is always darkest before dawn. When you hit rock bottom, there is no way to go but up. Let go and let God.

I was recharged with a dash of faith and hope again. Enough for another week. And I recognized my blessings again. My cup overflows with what God wants to fill it with. Everything is grace.

I will try to simplify my prayer and my life more. Less stressed, more blessed that way.

From Charismatic to Mystical Prayer

I am on Book Three of David Torkington's Trilogy.

Book One introduced me to prayer. I learned that even priests needed to exercise their prayer muscles. The author shared a simple but powerful prayer based on the Our Father, which I should have written somewhere in one of my journals.

Book Two started out slowly but turned out to be exciting. To use that word, "exciting", in a book on prayer is probably strange for some, but that was exactly how I felt. The author captured my very doubts and needs about prayer, and answered, albeit not directly, why my prayer life had taken all those twists and turns. It reminded me that I had to be patient in waiting for what was in store in this spiraling journey to deeper prayer.

Last Friday, I got hold of Book Three. The title itself is very interesting. "The Mystic: From Charismatic to Mystical Prayer".

It took me two years to finish the first two books so I do not expect to finish the third one any faster. These books are meant to be meditated on and savored. I am looking forward to the discoveries waiting to be unraveled in this book.

Decoding My Prayer Life

From "The Prophet: The Inner Meaning of Prayer" by David Torkington. Not an easy read, but definitely worth it for those who are searching for something more in their prayer life.

When a beginner is passing through his first fervor, everything seems easy. Prayer is full of sweetness and light, and so it is often helpful to impose some physical mortification with moderation, such as fasting, so that their empty stomachs can remind their arrogant minds of their human weakness, that their early success in prayer can easily make them forget. When a person is languishing in a spiritual desert, as you will soon find out for yourself, there's more than enough dying to be done without insisting on further self-imposed mortifications that can easily break the camel's back long before the next oasis comes into view.

When the spiritual traveler finally comes to settle in the promised land, he has such an abundance of everything that he desires, that he must needs express his gratitude in the language of true love which is sacrifice. Beginners always make the mistake of trying to copy the great ascetical practices of the saints: their heroic virtue, their self-denial, their almost super-human love towards others, without realizing that all this is but the outward expression of a love that fires them from within.

x x x

Here is the principle. Don't give up anything you like or enjoy, save sin - except in so far as it prevents you from having consistent quality time each day for prayer, for it is there that you will learn how to open your heart to the love that will eventually enable you to do all, and everything, that is quite impossible without it. Don't let your youthful enthusiasm kid you into believing that it is all too easy. When love begins to purify the dross that is within you, you'll suddenly find that it is all too difficult. (From pp. 93-94.)

Readers of this blog since 2003 might see shades of the spiritual journey described briefly above in my posts. As a young, radically renewed Catholic, I jumped into things with so much passion and fervor. I reached a point, however, of recognizing that I was trying too hard, that perhaps God was not asking all that I had given up from me. I am slowly moving in my spiritual travel towards a quieter, less activity-centered expression of faith, and I am grateful for the resultant intimacy in my relationship with God.

You Are Anxious and Worried About Many Things

This is the Gospel reading for today. It spoke to me. Sharing it with all of you.

Gospel
Lk 10:38-42

Jesus entered a village
where a woman whose name was Martha welcomed him.
She had a sister named Mary
who sat beside the Lord at his feet listening to him speak.
Martha, burdened with much serving, came to him and said,
“Lord, do you not care
that my sister has left me by myself to do the serving?
Tell her to help me.”
The Lord said to her in reply,
“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things.
There is need of only one thing.
Mary has chosen the better part
and it will not be taken from her.”

Jesus Calms the Storm

We Filipinos need no other reminder than this. When the Lord commanded the wind to cease, it obeyed Him.

He can and will calm Pepeng and other storms for us. We just need to put our faith in Him!

35 On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.”

36 And leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. And other boats were with him.

37 And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling.

38 But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”

39 And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

40 He said to them, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”

41 And they were filled with great fear and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?” (Mark 4:35-41)

Sign of the Covenant

¹² And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: ¹³ I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. ¹⁴ Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, ¹⁵ I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. ¹⁶ Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth."

¹⁷ So God said to Noah, "This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth." (Gen 9:12-17, NIV)

Repost: Impt Contacts to Help Typhoon Ondoy Victims

From http://kikay.exchange.ph/2009/09/27/important-contacts-to-help-typhoon-ondoy-victims:


ORDER FROM THE GOVERNMENT: MALL PARKING LOTS ARE ALSO OPEN TO ACCOMMODATE STRANDED VEHICLES FOR FREE

UPDATED LISTING OF HOTLINES (Feel Free to use the comments to add more) : Typhoon Ondoy Emergency Hotlines and Relief Operations

Rescue Operations

1. National Disaster Coordinating Council (NDCC) (+632-9125668, +632-9111406, +632-9115061, +632-9122665) Help hotlines: (+65 734-2118, 734-2120)
2. Red Cross (143, +632-5270000)
3. MMDA (136)
4. Coast Guard (+632-5276136)
5. AIR FORCE (+63908-1126976, +632-8535023)
6. Senator Dick Gordon (+639178997898, +63938-444BOYS, +632-9342118, +632-4338528)
7. Senator Manny Villar (+639174226800. +639172414864, +639276751981)
8. Bureau of Fire Protection Region III (Central Luzon) Hotline: (+63245-9634376)
9. Go to GMA Facebook page & post complete addresses and names of people in need of immediate help.

Rubber Boat Requests, 4×4 Trucks

1. NCRPO (+632-8383203, +632-8383354)
2. Private citizens who would like to lend their motor boats for rescue
please call emergency nos: +632-9125668, +632-9111406, +632-9122665, +632-9115061)
3. You can also text (+632917-4226800 or +632927-6751981) for rescue dump trucks.
4. For those who are able to lend 4×4 trucks for rescue: Please send truck to Greenhills Shoppng Center Unimart Grocery to await deployment, Tel No. (+632920-9072902) .

Power Supply

Meralco (+63917-5592824) If you want service cut off to your area to prevent fires and electrocution.

Relief Aid and Donations

1. Victory Fort is opening its doors to those affected by the typhoon. Call 813-FORT.
2. Clare Amador (+639285205508) or Jana Vicente at +639285205499) . Drop off for relief donations is at Balay Expo Center across Farmers Market Cubao.
3. Miriam Quiambao drop off points: One Orchard Road Building in Eastwood, or messagehttp://www.twitter. com/miriamq for more details.
4. Donations for Ondoy Victims to be distributed at the Philippine Army Gym inside Fort Bonifacio or GHQ Gym in Camp Aguinaldo starting now.
5. Team Manila stores in Trinoma, Mall of Asia, Jupiter Bel-Air and Rockwell shall be accepting relief goods (Canned Goods, Ready-to-drink Milk,Bottled Water and Clothes) for distribution by Veritas.
6. Relief Goods: Caritas Manila Office at Jesus St., Pandacan Manila near Nagtahan Bridge (+632-5639298, +632-5639308) or Radio Veritas at Veritas Tower West Ave. Cor EDSA (+632-9257931- 40)
7. Donations of any kind for Payatas communities affected by Ondoy accepted at ARANAZ stores in Rockwell & Greenbelt.
8. Simbahang Lingkod ng Bayan Task Force Noah, a disaster response arm of the Jesuits, is accepting donations. Please drop it off sa Ateneo Cervini Dorm.
9. Red Cross Load Donations: Right now the easiest way to make donations from the seat of your chair is via mobile phone load. The Red Cross Rescue and Relief Operations. Text: REDAMOUNT to 2899 (Globe) or 4483 (Smart)
10. Ateneo is now accepting donations for the victims of Ondoy. Donations can be dropped at MVP Lobby. For those stranded/those who need help: To all students who need help or know of people who need help. Please text the name, location, and contact number to (+6329088877166).
11. Papemelroti stores at 91 Roces Ave. / Ali Mall Cubao / SM City North EDSA / SM Fairview / SM Megamall / Glorietta 3 in Makati / SM Centerpoint / SM Southmall are accepting relief goods (canned goods / milk / bottled water / clothes – NO CASH pls.)
12. TXTPower now accepts donations via SmartMoney 5577514418667103, GCash 09179751092 and Paypal http://is.gd/ 3GvuN

Media Outfits

* ABS-CBN Typhoon Ondoy Hotline: (+632-4163641)
* Jam 88.3: (+632- 6318803) or SMS at JAM (space) 883 (space) ur msg to 2968

People Tracker (using your phones, get your friends and family to turn on their finderservice for you)

* FINDERSERVICE. For Smart, text “wis ” to 386.
* FINDERSERVICE. For Globe, text “find to 7000.

For the Confusions Around Are Mere Reflections of...

I do not know if it is because of my profession that I attract conflict, but I have noticed recently that everywhere I go, there is conflict, and more often than not, the issues are complicated and even heavy. I almost envy the people whose standard reply to the question of "How are you?" is "I'm bored, thank you."

Boredom is an unfamiliar feeling to me, as my days are more characterized by stress, sometimes panic, and at worst, fear. This, coming from a Christian. Which brings me to the question that got me started writing this particular blog entry. I wanted to ask God something, "Why, Lord, can't I experience peace for a prolonged period of time? Like maybe a week?"

Is it a matter of perspective, as in I choose to look at the problems of life rather than focus on the calm surface? Is it a matter of personality; do I aggravate the situations around me so much so that I bring out conflict wherever I go? Is it a matter of profession, in that because I'm a lawyer, people tend to spill their innermost problems to me even though we hardly know each other? Is it a matter of perception; do I just have the knack for looking at things beyond what is visible?

I would like to know, because I need a break. I want to work and not be judged for every little thing I do that do not always have anything to do with my job description. I want to serve and not be the subject of negative talk. I want to be free from these distractions.

The world may be full of conflict, really, but just once I want to be shielded from the chaos. I have just found some inner peace and quiet. Then bang. I received disturbing news, and I cannot sleep again, and I cannot focus again. I am trying, by blogging, to rid myself of these thoughts. I tell myself that it's not a big deal, what I learned today; that it's not really my problem; and that it will solve by itself without me having to lose sleep and change my routine over it.

I treasure my friends a lot, and I put my trust in people 100%. I work hard, and I am aware of my flaws. Still, at the end of the day, it is not reputation that matters, but my conscience. If my conscience is clear, and people still choose to talk, I can only close my eyes, and go to that quiet place where only God can hear me, and ask Him to protect me from reacting negatively, or worse, from giving in, and becoming the person some people paint me to be.

For obvious reasons I cannot write in detail what I'm going through here. There are multiple things, actually, and I have tried to make sense of them all, quite unsuccessfully so far. It is all an invitation to prayer, as my Cenacle spiritual directress would say.

This too shall pass.

Great Books and Teachers

I try to attend the Catholic Formation series in our parish as much as I can. It is adult catechism at its finest, and in-depth bible study given by our parish priest that always leaves me wanting to learn more about our faith. My classmates are mostly nuns from the four congregations who reside in our neighborhood, and a growing number of lay people. Make that lay women. But still.

I received the handouts and saw the series topic: The Moral Life. Pretty. Heavy. Stuff. Tonight's topic was a concise version of St. Thomas Aquinas' writings on the Seven Basic Human Goods. My background in civil law helped, but only slightly. For I have a confession to make: I have, to this day, refused to read the great philosophers' and thinkers' original works. I have mostly survived on hearsay, actually, for I have been more comfortable reading other writers' interpretations of what the great ones have written. For a lawyer who "always reads the cases in the original", I should be ashamed of myself.

My father has tried to influence me, for he is a product of UST education. He has all the books. I have just picked out the lighter ones from his vast library, and those were mostly fiction. Even my choices in fiction have been influenced by one major standard: entertainment value.

And so I have only read the "Primer for the Catechism of the Catholic Church", but not the real thing. I have read several books about saints, but not their actual writings, except for St. Therese of Liseux. I have read that Social Science II reference book, the title of which escapes me now, the one that comes in two volumes, but not the individual books that comprise it. I am lazy, I know.

Age has caught up on me, and I no longer can afford to wing it. My Bucket List of Books has to be dusted and reviewed.

In many things, I have felt what growing older means. I'm not necessarily wiser, but I now try harder. Reminds me of this passage that was taken from the only "serious" book that I read everyday, the holy bible:

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13: 11-13, NIV)

I do hope to put childish ways behind me, to reason like a woman, to someday "see face to face", to know fully, and to be fully known.

I also need to be more consistent in applying what I read and study to reality. Starting with the lesson for this month, "The Moral Life". I'm glad that my classmates, who are religious, agree with me that it's a tough subject. I thought I was the only one who felt like her nose was bleeding while trying to grasp the subject matter. The nuns smiled at me, and their smile told me that they were one with me in my desire to learn more and my struggle to do so.

How do I make a moral decision? I asked a priest when I was faced with the greatest moral dilemma of my life. He simply said, "Take away your emotions, and then make a moral decision. You can't let your desires rule your life."

I asked the same priest tonight if he was referring to Aquinas' teachings when he gave me that piece of advice. He nodded. I said I still found it difficult. He said, "I never said it was easy."

I cannot take shortcuts anymore. In reading. In life. In decision-making. Time to face the big ones. The great big ones.

Faith, hope and love.

Silence and Solitude

There is nothing like trials to make us go down on our knees in prayer.

I have been unable to update this blog regularly because I am going through a phase of privacy, of wanting to process things and mull over them, and choosing not to reveal everything that's going on inside me. This is a departure from my usual self who started writing in this space with all her heart, mind, soul, and strength.

Perhaps I have more questions than lessons right now. I was told to stop wishing and to be firmer in my decisions. I'm doing that. But so far I have been unsuccessful.

Perhaps God, as I have come to know him in my 20s, has revealed more of Himself to me now, and I am seeking a deeper relationship with Him. In my search, I have become silent, as I wait for the new knowledge to set in.

I am beginning many things and I do not have a regular weekday mass schedule yet. Once I settle in to my new workplace, perhaps I'll write again. But then it will be time to start becoming a teacher. And the adjustment will begin again.

I am in need of a short respite from the hustle and bustle of the city. I wish I could go on retreat again - silent, individual retreat. I want to be in a serene place by myself with just my Bible, journal, books, and pens.

There is so much going on, but I do not have words to describe them. Not now. Perhaps not ever.